preferredfate's Blog


Gains in Losses — August 6, 2015

Gains in Losses


About a month after I gave birth, I ordered ALL my summer clothes online in a size medium, and gave myself three months maximum to fit into them all. I’m happy to report that it’s mission accomplished 🙂

Let me reverse and tell you a little bit more about my recovery (if you haven’t read the horror story which was my second delivery, please see below post entitled “4 Months Old.”)

After being released from the hospital on day four, my journey to recovery began, and it was unfortunately not seamless. Due to the amount of blood I had lost, I was prescribed iron tablets three times daily, along with the two Advil and four Tylenol I was taking for the pain – the constant soreness in which I couldn’t even sit properly. What was most uncomfortable about my recovery was the constipation – the iron pills would make me constipated, I was warned, and the only thing I had to counteract that was one stool softener I could take daily. It was six days before I had a bowel movement, and it was not a complete or “natural” one. TMI alert – it was more like a bunch of little black pebbles than something I would call a relief. Every time I would push, it would ache, and sometimes I would irritate the wound and rip the stitching a little, causing it to bleed more. One time I took a mirror and glanced at myself “down there” and was appalled at how I looked – a gaping, mutilated hole bound by stitching. I know you wonder why I would bother looking, but I just had to know.

One thing that helped with the pain was sitting in an epsom salt sitz bath three times daily, 20 minutes each time. A sitz bath is a round, plastic tub you place over the toilet that is filled with water and connected to an IV bag-like contraption with a tube and a clamp. Basically you fill the bag with hot water and move the clamp blocking the water passage to allow hot water into the bath as needed, and the excess water pours out a hole in the tub and into the toilet. Now that we are well versed in sitz bathery, I’ll get back to my recovery story.

Eventually, as the weeks passed, I was able to decrease the amount of pain killers to only 2-3 per day. And although I was told to take three iron tablets daily, I only took one and tried to eat as much iron-rich foods as possible instead, such as red meat and beans. That really helped with the constipation, and I was more “regular” about 2.5 weeks after I delivered.

At my six week post-partum appointment, I told the doc I still couldn’t sit upright properly in a chair. This concerned her, so she examined me and discovered I had some granulation on my vagina. Granulation tissue looks like polyps, and formed as a result of my stitching healing “too well” or “over-healing.” I had only a small one, and she gave me two options: either she burn it off immediately with silver nitrate, or I could take Vagifem daily suppositories (a tablet on a stick inserted into the vagina) to lubricate the area and help it to shrink on its own. I opted for the Vagifem, because I was too terrified of any more pain going on (she had warned me the silver nitrate would burn and be very uncomfortable.) She did tell me, however, that I was able to resume any form of exercise, including sexual activity.

For the next six weeks, I worked out at Goodlife four times a week, first thing in the morning. I took any and every class from Aqua Fit, Body Pump, Body Flow, Pilates Mat, Yoga, Body Step, Body Attack, and Body Combat. I prefer classes because I respond better to being told what to do, instead of leaving myself to my own devices (and laziness). At first I cut out white rice and only ate whole wheat bread with every meal. I didn’t eat sugary desserts or anything deep-fried. As you can probably guess, this didn’t last long. As the weight melted off, I started to become lackadaisical in my food choices and concentrated more on portion size: eating smaller portions of the things I actually enjoyed. This included sugary desserts because of my notorious sweet tooth, but very limited deep-fried items. To this day, I haven’t had fried chicken, and I very rarely order french fries (one exception is Swiss Chalet, because it’s just not the same without them).

A month after my previous appointment, doc told me the granulation was very small now, and I could continue with the Vagifem or she could burn it off with the silver nitrate. She told me again that it would hurt but only for a brief while, so I said, what the hell, just burn that mothaf*cka off. She applied the nitrate, and when she was finished, I exclaimed, that’s it?! I didn’t feel a thing!

At four months post-delivery, I am now 133 pounds at my lowest vs. 178 when I gave birth, and three pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. As I mentioned earlier, my summer clothes all now fit, including two dresses I bought for weddings (one already passed, and the other is in three weeks). Though I am happy with the weight loss, my skin still hasn’t returned to normal, and of course I still have pockets of fat here and there that I could do without. I started off extremely motivated, but I haven’t been back to the gym in a month. I think it’s all starting to catch up to me now. I’m constantly tired for some reason. As soon as the kids are tucked into bed/crib at night, all I want to do is go to sleep, when I have tons of steno practice I could/should be doing, as well as some home workouts I found on Hulu (which I do about three times a week if I’m lucky).

I guess I’m trying not to be too hard on myself given the energy expended keeping up with two youngin’s all day, along with my other motherly/wifely duties. Once Dani is back to school in September, I think I’ll be able to return to the gym, and my studies, on a full-time basis again. One can only be optimistic.


To my one and only — July 28, 2015

To my one and only


You’re the kind and loyal counterpart to my impatient, sarcastic, and cynical being

You’re the voice laughing identically with and at me, because you share my silly sense of humour

You always forgive me when I’m being mean and angry and pick on you when I’m bored

You’re the voice of reason and stay collected, whereas I fly off the handle and spew obscenities out of my face

You tolerate my constant indecisiveness which would, should the tables be turned, annoy the heck out of me

You spoil me every day with little notions that are more valuable than materialistic possessions

You sacrifice your sleep for mine, not only when I’m tired from the endless day to day, but because I just love it so

You’re my best friend
You’re our children’s best friend
Everybody likes you

I could go on and on, but I don’t need to

I have you forever!

Happy anniversary!

Your #1 fan.

4 months old :) — July 24, 2015

4 months old :)

stellaIt started at around 2:30 am the night before, three days past my due date, when I started feeling moderate lower back pain every 40 minutes. I didn’t feel like it was time for the baby to come, so I decided to sleep it off and see what happened by the time I saw my OB at 9:30 am that day. She examined me, aka shoved multiple fingers up my vujay-jay, and discovered that I was one centimetre dilated. We had a conversation about what to do next, since further dilation could take hours, a few days, or even a week at that point. We decided that if the baby didn’t come by Friday (it was a Monday), I would have a C-section, or I could wait until over the weekend and they would try other methods (not exactly induction, which wasn’t possible since I’d had a C-section with my first daughter).

A little background information – as previously mentioned, I had an emergency C-section with my first daughter, Danica. I wanted another Caesarean with my second pregnancy, but Doc convinced me that I was a good candidate to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean) and that the recovery time would be much faster, so that’s what I went with.  However, I couldn’t wait too long for the baby to arrive on its own because of this, so that is why we were on a timeline.

At 1:20 pm while having lunch at Montana’s, I was more frequently feeling sharp back pains and it was becoming too uncomfortable to sit upright. At that point I started to record every contraction (which I had determined they were, since I remembered this feeling from my first pregnancy), and they were 17 minutes apart. I had read multiple times that if they were five minutes apart or closer, I should go to the hospital. I decided to take a nap and see how I felt when I woke up. When I arose, the contractions ranged from four to seven minutes apart, and it was around 3:30 pm when we agreed to pack up and head to the hospital before possibly getting stuck in traffic. At about 5:00 pm we arrived. I was taken into triage for the doctor to again roughly invade my insides and find that I was now three centimetres dilated.  I was admitted. Blood tests were done and my IV was inserted at that point. They couldn’t find the vein in both my arms so they put it into my hand, which was a little more painful, and I was advised to not bend it in case it broke or pinched a nerve or something. Great.

I was advised to ask for the epidural right away, because there was a chance the anaesthesiologist wouldn’t be able to come on time. At roughly 8:40 pm, three hours later, he arrived and gave me the epidural. Luckily my nurse was great and was able to snag him in between two lengthy operations. For a good 40 minutes I felt bliss from the painful and now frequent contractions. They inserted my catheter (“pee tube”) while I was already numb down there, a process I’m sure would be quite uncomfortable under normal circumstances. And then the nurse broke my water and started my pitocin drip, which would help speed along the process. At first this made me nervous because I wasn’t allowed to be induced, but they said it wasn’t the same process and wanted to have the baby out as quickly as possible in case any complications arose (the general risk of having a VBAC is that the former Caesarean scar could rupture, and the baby would lose oxygen and potentially die – SCARY!)

However, when the pitocin started to kick in, I started feeling the painful contractions again. One, two, three, four times I pressed that button for an extra hit of “epidural juice” as I like to call it, but I was still feeling the pain! Such constant, heavy, clawing back pain that I could barely lay still. I’d shake my legs after every contraction just to distract myself. At 11:35 pm, I was eight centimetres dilated. Two more hits of juice after that, and at 12:10 am they increased the dosage (which still wasn’t helping me at all). Two more hits after that, and in more excruciating pain than ever, and I was finally fully dilated at 12:45 am.

The doctor came in and told me to push after the next contraction. I asked her how, and she said to push as if I was taking the largest crap ever. After the first one, I yelled out, and they told me not to yell because it took away from the power of the push. It was then discovered that my baby was “sunny side up,” or her back was to my back instead of the opposite way, which is optimal for delivery. This was why my contractions were painful – she was positioned in a way that put more pressure on my spine. Doc said she would put her hand in and turn the baby downwards while I pushed. The next contraction came, and all I saw was a hand go in and disappear up to her elbow, and a lightning flash of pain as I screamed the loudest I ever have in my entire life. I quickly shut my mouth and gritted my teeth, and concentrated on pushing while the doctor’s arm was still inside of me. My mind got fuzzy and I felt light-headed. At one point, a flood of nurses started rushing into the room. Apparently they were having trouble finding the baby’s heart rate, which had suddenly just dropped. I heard the doctor tell the nurses to prepare the operating room for a C-section and I thought, frightfully, no, not again! Then I heard mention of forceps as, my husband told me later, they sliced me open to the anus and used the forceps to pull the baby out. It lasted 20 minutes. They put my darling baby on my chest, all bloody and slimy, and had to cut the cord instead of my husband in case there were other complications.

I was so relieved and hugged my cute little baby, and then they took her away to clean her up. They told me I had done a very good job pushing and, had it lasted any longer than that, I would’ve had another Caesarean. I thank God to this day that I didn’t have Caesarean AND vaginal trauma to recover from.  They started to stitch me up. Half an hour, an hour later, I asked, what is taking so long? Doc then told me there was bleeding from my uterus, which had ripped somehow before I started pushing. I was in agony again. When I dared to look, I would see various hands and metal instruments going in and out of me. Needles slashing back and forth, sewing like mad. They couldn’t stop the bleeding. They told me that if I lost more blood and couldn’t fix it, I would need a blood transfusion and possibly an operation to sew up my uterus. At that point I broke down. I just want it to be over, I cried. I just wanted to rest and hold my baby and be at peace. They ended up inserting a latex balloon up to my uterus, inflated with 300 mg of water. Then they stuffed three cloths into my vagina up next to it. It was a little over an hour and a half when they finished sewing. They put me back on the pitocin drip (to this day I don’t remember why- something to do with stopping the uterine bleeding) and again I started to feel the painful contractions. I asked how long would I need the stuffing in there and for how long would I feel the pain, and they told me at least 12 more hours! I broke down again. I kept trying to shake my leg. I wouldn’t let go of John’s hand. I couldn’t even drink anything in case I still needed surgery, so I would sneak little sips of water to cool my super dry throat. They gave me morphine which still did nothing for me. 45 minutes later they told me to breastfeed Stella, and I tried but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even sit still, the pain was so intense, so I tearfully told them I couldn’t do it and to please take her away. It broke my heart. I probably had two more breakdowns in between then and 12 hours later. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t allowed to eat. I was just writhing in pain the entire time.

After 2:00 pm the next afternoon, they finally deflated the balloon and removed the stuffing. The contractions ceased, and I was in heaven. The bleeding had stopped, and I didn’t need an operation.  There were just the post-delivery complications to deal with, and I’ll leave those for next time.

I am blessed and thankful that my Stella Joan, 7 pounds and 9 ounces, came out happy and healthy, and I’m well enough mentally and physically to put it all behind me now.  Happy 4 months my sweet baby girl!

5 monf slumf — July 22, 2015

5 monf slumf


In the 5 months since I’ve blogged, I’ve gone and had me a baby. I’ve recovered from a(nother) painful and somewhat traumatizing childbirth experience. I’ve lost 89% of my baby weight in 2.5 months. Yet I’ve also metamorphosed from fiercely determined to exhausted and unsure.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. I worry a lot about how I’m going to succeed and how quickly I can get there, yet feel like I’m constantly running out of time. I lose focus and motivation and just want to lie on my couch like a sack of potatoes. I can’t help but admit that the power of procrastination has gripped me and left me powerless. It always has. I have 8 months left before I return to the office (?) and so much to accomplish in that inflexible time frame, yet I sit at my steno machine, write, yawn, and shut it down shortly after to have a nap.

I can fill up this page with excuses: I have two kids. I’m tired from nursing every few hours, which makes me hungry and want to eat more. The gym schedules its classes early in the morning and I can’t get up. Yada, yada, yada.

Why am I blogging again? Why am I using social media again (oh gosh)? I guess I miss getting on the computer and using a normal keyboard to write, and I need IG for shameless self-promotion (follow me: preferredfate) LOL. More so, I miss having an outlet to vent my elation and/or frustrations, and getting valuable feedback (not to mention off-the-cuff comments/conversations). And posting photos of my beautiful children, of course.

The fact that I finally opened up my WordPress App and saw that people are visiting my blog to this day is surely the real reason. Thank you, readers, for supporting and inspiring me.

Now that I’m already at my computer, I’m going to do some steno practice. And maybe even an at-home workout (thanks Hulu).



Disney HOLLYWOOD Life — February 26, 2015



I SWEAR I had this post all written up and ready to go on a note app on my phone weeks ago, but then I cut the text to paste it and deleted it by accident =(  So here we go again!

The 3rd and final Disney installment covers our trip to Hollywood Studios.  The admission is the same as the other Disney parks: $99.00 for those age 10 and over, $93.99 for ages 3-9, and free < 3.  We had purchased both Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios tickets online at the same time, so when we previously went to the Mickey Halloween party, they loaded both admissions conveniently on the same reusable card.  The day was very hot, perhaps 32 degrees Celsius, and not rainy (at first).  A little trick we do is to tell the ticket person that it’s our first visit every time and then you get a cute “1st Visit!” button to wear, so you can imagine how big our collection has grown =)  Hey – at $99 admission, I feel entitled.

As we entered the park, we were given Olaf cardboard fans to cool off.  They were much needed.  Our first stop was to the “For the First Time in Forever” Frozen sing-along show.  We had to get an advance ticket and pick a show time, and then wait in line (about 30 minutes).  The show consisted of a male and female host, with special appearances by Anna, Kristoff, and of course Elsa at the end.  Basically, it was a gigantic screen that played the entire Frozen soundtrack, complete with lyrics, dazzling lights and special effects.  It was about an hour and it was “so-so.”  Nothing too exciting.  It was cute hearing all those young voices singing word-for-word, though.

After that, we headed to the “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” playground.  Overhead was a giant “spider web,” or jungle-gym type rope maze for kids (and parents) to climb through.  There were slides and even a gigantic “Antie” just like in the movie.  It was one of my favourites as a kid, so I definitely wanted to check this one out.  I always dreamed of being a child actress and starring in such an adventurous film as this one.  As the day was getting progressively hot and expectant mommy was starting to get hungry, we headed to the nearby food court to grab sandwiches, hot dogs, and ice cold soft drinks.

We spent the rest of the day on pregnant- and toddler- friendly rides and shows such as Muppet Vision in 3D, the Great Movie Ride, and the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular (this was my favourite of the day – who didn’t love Indy in the 80s?!).  We had wanted to take Dani to the Jedi Training Academy, where apparently kids get to do Jedi training with light sabers and all, but she was too young and/or short.  I had always wanted to check out the Tower of Terror, so perhaps we’ll need to come back once the bun is out of the oven =)  Also, there was a 2-hour wait for the Toy Story Midway Mania ride, so we said forget that.  By that time, it had begun to rain (yes, we donned the Disney ponchos yet again), so we called it a day.

All in all, I’d still prefer the excitement and crowd participation of Universal Studios, but maybe when Dani is at least 6 or 7, because DHS proved to be the more toddler-friendly option.

Until next time, Mickey fans… hope you got something useful out of your reading and enjoy your next trip to the happiest place(s) on earth 😉

DisneyWORLD — January 6, 2015


Processed with VSCOcam with hb1 preset

And now down to the nitty gritty, the meat, the FUN stuff – the Disney Parks review!

Our trip was planned in late September, so after googling Disney information, I came across an interesting alternative to the usual Magic Kingdom visit: Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party!  As a family, we had been to the Magic Kingdom (Orlando) once and to Disneyland Paris once, so going was nothing new, but this Halloween party was intriguing!

Tickets cost $62 per adult versus regular $99 admission for the Magic Kingdom.  Kids under three are free so that was a plus for us!  Regular park hours are usually 9a to 9p, but the “official” Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party (I’ll refer to it as MNSSHP from now on) hours were from 7p-midnight.  They actually let you in the doors at 4p, however.  You are given plastic loot bags (but you can bring your own, and believe me I’ve seen people carrying SACKS around) to collect candy at various stops throughout the park for trick-or-treating.  A map is provided to show you just where each stop is, and trust me, they do NOT chintz on the candy!  Each stop is marked with a lit-up pumpkin sign, and we didn’t wait more than 5 minutes in each fast-moving lineup.  They will put handfuls of the GOOD stuff into your bags – all kinds of mini chocolate bars (Aero, Kit Kat, Smarties, Mars, etc.) and the typical candy as well (Laffy Taffy, lollipops, etc.).  Unfortunately (?) for us, it started to rain HARD as soon as we had parked the car, but this disadvantage proved to be quite the opposite.  Because of the incessant downpour (which didn’t cease until 10p, may I add!), we didn’t wait in line for any ride longer than 5-7 minutes!  WOOHOO!

A couple of days earlier, after checking the weekly forecast, we bought ponchos to wear to the Kingdom (Phineas and Ferb for daddy, Minnie Mouse for mommy, and Mickey for little Dani) for $7.99 each at the nearby Walmart.  The selection of Disney stuff there is AMAZING and way more affordable than anything in the actual parks, so we also picked up a couple of Mickey shirts as Hollywood Studios attire for later in the week.

Cleverly outfitted in our ponchos and flip flops (John wanted to wear sneakers but I said NO WAY – they’re going to get ruined and stanky), we opted to take the ferry over from the parking lot to the Kingdom instead of the monorail as there were only a few handfuls of people in line.  It was our first time ever riding it, so it was a nice little trip on the water.

Although I would never turn down (free) sweets, after two candy runs we opted to prioritize the rides instead to make use of all the time we had there.  Every ride in the park was open, so we rode pretty much every Dani-friendly attraction:  It’s a Small World, Enchanted Tales with Belle, the Dumbo ride, Peter Pan’s Flight, etc.

We dined on the usual fast-food fare of hot dogs, fries, and chips, as most (I’m not sure if all) of the concession stands and restaurants were open that evening.  To ease the spending, we brought in a small soft-shelled cooler filled with water, juice, fruit snacks, Lunchables, etc. to keep Dani happy.  Generally, you are allowed to bring in your own food from outside, as long as it isn’t anything dangerous like metal silverware (particularly knives), glass bottles, and liquor (obviously).

The night ended with an amazing fireworks display at around 9p, which Dani found way too loud and so we had to cover her ears.  Also, we caught the 2nd Boo to You Halloween parade at around 10:30p, with the 1st beginning around 8p, if I’m not mistaken.  It was an awesome display of Disney’s regular cast and villains on floats, with dancers in the streets giving out Mickey lollipops and candy.  Though I had read about the Headless Horseman appearing at the end of it, he wasn’t there that night =(  I wonder if he appears in the dates closer to Halloween itself…

Our fantastic Halloween excursion began at around 4:30p, and by 11:30 I was ready to conk out, so we took the monorail back to the parking lot and headed to McDonald’s for a late dinner (they had $2 Big Macs on special at the time.. score!).  Then off to bed to rest up for the next adventure!

I would recommend MNSSHP to anybody who prefers to travel to Florida in the early fall – I always find it the best to go around when school starts, because it’s not as hot as in the summertime and crowds tend to be lighter.

To come:  Disney Hollywood Studios review… stay tuned =)


DisneyLIFE — January 5, 2015


fam at LEP

Happy 2015 everybody!  Thank you to all my visitors all over the world.  I haven’t been posting nearly enough as I should be, but that’s one of my resolutions for the new year.  Thank you again for all your support.

Orlando Florida family vacation:  September 20-27, 2014
There’s just something so happy and exciting about Disney Magic, and Dani just can’t stop talking about Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party.

The weather was just perfectly suited to my taste: high in the mid 30’s (but not often) and low in the mid 20’s (mainly due to the rain, which came down 5 out of 7 days of the week).  In the dead heat of sunlight, I felt particularly suffocated because I’m not a “summer person.”  Plus, being pregnant, I’m always hot.  I welcomed the cooling sensation the rain brought, and strolling the air-conditioned malls almost every day was fun too, not to mention the swimming pools at the Orange Lake resort complex where we stayed for the week.

I shall rewind to day one and the adventures of happily married couple, adoring almost-three-year-old daughter, and 4-month-old baby swimming around in utero.  Leaving home at 5:30 am, we crossed the border and arrived at Buffalo International Airport around 8:00 am.  Flying out of BIA saved us at least $300-400 off typical fares out of Pearson.  We also parked across the street from the airport at the Hampton Inn for $5 a day, opting to take the $2.99 cancellation insurance (if something happens and your flight is cancelled or you can’t arrive within the next 24 hours, you’re not charged a late fee).  A 24-hour on-demand shuttle was ready at the door to take us over, and they provided us with a phone number to call a driver upon our return.  We were very pleased with the polite and efficient service.

Our first flight was to Atlanta, with a little over an hour to catch our connecting flight to Orlando.  No complaints or remarks to make here, as the flights and transitions were both speedy and smooth.  The first flight was under 2 hours, and the 2nd was just about one hour.  Even the wait at the rental car counter was fairly quick, although I’ll heed a warning here.  Car insurance for the week cost over $300, which was a surprise to us since we paid a third of that the last time we rented in Orlando.  Perhaps booking your car rental separate from a flight package and opting for their insurance is the safer bet.

After collecting the car seat and installing happy Dani into our black 2014 Ford Fusion (John wasn’t happy with the choice at all), we headed to Orange Lake West Village.  Our room exceeded our expectations.  We had used RCI exchange points to book and, listed as a Studio, it had a full kitchen minus the oven (stovetop, mini fridge, microwave, kettle, pots and pans, dishes, etc.)  To save some valuable shopping/Mickey dollars, we bought groceries at the nearby Target and Walmart stores and cooked a few dinners and even more breakfasts.

If you’re an Orange Lake timeshare owner, beware that you’re whisked to a separate desk to book your “return visit update” (aka Timeshare sales presentation).  The incentive was 50% the resort’s play-all-week package: mini golf, use of tubes for the lazy river, etc. for one hour of your time (we didn’t even end up buying it).

We dined at Ponderosa for our first evening (my how it has changed – pricey, and they eliminated the full buffet, boo hoo) and checked out some nearby stores i.e. Ross and Target, heading to bed early to recover from the 2.5 hours of sleep we had gotten the night before.

We were up early to catch our 8:00 am sales presentation, which we wanted to book first thing in the morning to just get it over with.  I’m extremely proud of Dani lasting the entire time, and of John and myself not upgrading or buying anything.  The last time we had attended such a presentation, we walked out with a timeshare =)  We had breakfast buffet at Sizzler, and after resting a bit that afternoon, headed to downtown Orlando’s Lake Eola Park.  We saw some swans and plenty of baby lizards (BUTIKI!  My favourite word!  LOL) and did some more shopping in the evening.

The next afternoon, after sleeping in again, we headed to Walmart to grab some groceries for the day: a barbecued chicken, salad, and some bread, and drove about 1.5 hours to Daytona Beach.  It was a perfect day: not blazingly hot or sunny, and quite empty on the beach.  If you’ve never been before, it costs $3.00 to park directly on the beach for the day.  Because it was overcast and rainy, there were only a handful of other cars nearby, which was just fine for us =)  On the way there, we passed the Daytona International Speedway and Vince Carter’s high school, for all you millions of Raptors fans out there.  =P

It was a lovely time.  Dani enjoyed playing in the not-so-packable sand and wading in the waves, although she caught and swallowed a mouthful of saltwater and vomited up some mushy strawberry remains (gross).  Afterwards, we headed to Toys R Us to pick up Dani’s Cinderella princess dress and the much coveted Shopkins, which were hard to find in stock back in Toronto and almost never available online.

I realize I’ve written quite a lengthy passage here, so I’ll save the rest for parts 2, 3 and maybe even 4 =)

Happy reading… don’t forget to come back!

break — August 26, 2014




Did you ever dream what you wanted to be, what you needed to be

What you would do for ME?

Did you ever give the envelope a shove, place yourself high above


Did he slap away your hand as you drowned in the sand

Bring poison to your place bearing an obscene face

Delicate flower to never forget the REASON they met

…the image is burnt.  Is it the day you just learnt

To despise and feel scorn? Curse the day you were born?

Thrust to claw and defend

A broken soul with no mend

I think about you

In the darkest of days, in my most heated rage

I think of you. 

I see you.

I think when I see you

Imma ki** you.

the better way. — August 23, 2014

the better way.


8:20 am on a sluggish, overcast Tuesday, and you just want to make your miserable-ass way to your miserable-ass work day. Suddenly, the announcement… the train is being stopped due to an onboard assistance alarm being activated. The majority of the passengers grunt in disgust, rolls their eyes, etc. and the morning has already been soured for them.

I’d witnessed this happening at least once every other day. What becomes an interesting yet unwelcome scenario is when the passenger who needs assistance is you. Such was the case over three weeks ago on my way to work.

It was a regular day. I normally board at the southernmost car, leaning myself against the door nook at the (front?) (?) (back) (?) of the train. Bent over and engrossed in my Stephen King novel, I look up after a while and suddenly feel very hot and flustered. I loosen my scarf, the world begins to spin, and before I know it, I open my eyes to see several strangers peering down at me, asking if I’m okay, and helping me up off the floor. They make way and walk me to a seat, all while the passenger alarm is ringing, and the train suddenly halts. Davisville station. Four stops from home. A nice lady in a TTC uniform, the driver, comes up to me and asks what happened. I’m mopping the sweat off my forehead with my scarf. She tells me it’s okay to feel ill, and don’t be embarrassed, because it could happen to anybody. I’m shocked and disoriented, because it’s happened to ME. I actually fainted for the first time in my life (okay, the second time, if you count that time in grade 8 when it was cool to make someone push your throat up against the wall and make you faint – yes, it works).

A very kind lady offers to come outside and sit with me until the medics and police can assess the situation. A policeman comes very swiftly, takes my ID, and asks me a series of questions, all the while very pleasant and accommodating. Then came the paramedics, who pricked my finger for a blood sample and took my blood pressure, which turned out to be low. They suggested I go to a doctor, and told me an ambulance was waiting should I decide to take it. I declined, fearing it a) might be an extra cost I didn’t wish to handle and b) was just too much melodrama for a mere fainting incident. After taking more information, the paramedics let me back onto the train, where I headed back home immediately, emailed my boss of said incident, and headed straight to emergency with my family. Long story short, after five hours of testing and general waiting, I was declared fine and allowed to leave.

Why I am writing this story today is because I was so touched and overwhelmed to have been treated with such kindness – by fellow passengers, TTC staff, the police, and the medics. I’ll admit, I was one of those jerks who was the first to roll her eyes at any delay. Now, I’m grateful for the time that is taken to ensure the safety of every passenger onboard.

I was scared to “TTC it” for a few days after but, ever since, I ride all the way to Finch and back south just to make sure I get a seat. Doesn’t hurt to be cautious.

on moments. — August 15, 2014

on moments.


2:30 am.  Can’t sleep.  Sensing I am awake and turning slightly, Dani gently places her angelic little hand over my eyelids and says, “Close your eyes,” wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling my head down on the pillow beside her.  I lay there for the entire two minutes it takes for her to fall back asleep and pull out my phone.

I had been reading his blog earlier that evening, and it was consuming my thoughts.  It brought back a flood of memories of a time when I was just getting to know him, of when my soul mate was once a total stranger.  I remember our first encounter.  Quiet and shy, with a bag of gummy candy atop his work station (I think mmm, candy… yay), I would’ve never expected to squeeze a conversation out of him, let alone become as close as we have.

He doesn’t open up so easily, nor quickly let anybody “in.”  It was just natural, the way we connected.  Many poets and artists with flourishing pens may have tackled the subject in centuries past, but actually experiencing it is a different occurrence.  It’s real.  It truly does happen.

I believe in faith and friendship, trust and kindness in a relationship.  When those are absent, what do you have, really?   A life without love.  And when one is in this sticky situation, is he or she expected to remain in it?  Do you not owe it to yourself to find that happiness, or at least keep trying?

I gaze upon this beautiful little being lying in bed, eyes closed, mouth partially open and think, wow, she is the product of us.  I am inspired and full of pride.  I did all right by her.